NaNoWriMo 2017: Master President-3

MASTER PRESIDENT-3

EXT. THE US FROM SPACE - DAY

We travel by red line from the White House. A cute little bus-icon with PRaptor hanging onto the back, tail trailing, leads the way.

I-66 W from 17th St NW and E St Expy

I-270 N, I-70 W, I-68 W, I-79 N, ... and I-44 to MO-32 E/MO-5 S/MO-64 E/S Jefferson Ave in Lebanon. Take exit 129 from I-44

Follow MO-5 S to Ledge Rock Rd in Grovespring.

CAPTION: Grovespring, MO -- Center of Governance of the United States.

EXT. HIGH OVER GROVESPRING, MO

Fade from the unincorporated bedroom community of the late 201Xs to the modern, sleek, sprawling body of governance. From gentle green hills and trees to modern neo-brutalist architecture and an endless suburbia without a fixed center, rather a series of campuses.

Businesses grow in the niches between government buildings like lichen. Coffeehouses, restaurants, massage parlors (with and without happy endings as clearly noted on the signage), car dealerships, all the things a political machine needs to stay well oiled. And bars. Lots of bars.

The dispersed nature of the city pushes the residences to the outside, perversely making traffic palatable.

Follow the Raptor Express, which looks more like three tour busses joined by flexible bits in the middle than anything like a traditional touring bus, as it comes into town and winds its way through the streets.

The Express pulls into a vast parking lot near one of the government campuses. A large Maps flag-pin marks this as "Congressional Budget Offices". Nearby pins mark "Department of War" and the "Offices of Inland Management".

INT. RAPTOR EXPRESS (MIDDLE) - CONTINUOUS

The interior is just one huge, hollowed-out bus with velour padding and a long divan as found in the White House Oval Office which runs nearly the length of the space, along with half a conference-room of more modest proportions making up the other half. Niches for heavy broadcast cameras are built right in.

Only Killian and PRaptor are in the bus, PRaptor shifting uneasily on the divan and Killian poking unhappily at an interface on the conference table.

DIANE KILLIAN

Your numbers are still ridiculously high.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Yeah, that must suck right now.

DIANE KILLIAN

I mean it! Popularity like this just gets push-back from Congress, the DoJ, everybody. They all want to be the ones that "stood firm" and "spoke truth to power," even if they agree with you.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I know. Believe me, I know.

(stares out the window at reporters setting up a scrum)

Forcing these piles of ass-nuggets to drive all the way out to the heartland to cover government activity was fucking brilliant. I wish I'd thought of that.

DIANE KILLIAN

Not like they've learned anything.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Well, no, but they could, and that's the magic.

Crews work on assembling a lighting gantry and part of a stage with podium right outside the bus.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I like it better out here, even if it looks like LA had a backwoods baby. Nicer people, less time to think that they deserve to be the seat of power.

DIANE KILLIAN

You get maudlin when you travel.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

You see a huge-ass toilet in here? You take a heavy shit outdoors at a few rest areas along a fourteen hour drive and we'll see how cheery you are.

Diane looks up and grins.

DIANE KILLIAN

Remember the first time a film crew caught you finding relief out on the road?

PRaptor grins in return, eyes slitted.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

They acted like they'd never seen a cloaca before.

DIANE KILLIAN

Probably not one aimed at them.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Or something. Truth is, if they wanted to sling shit about me, they needed proper ammo.

DIANE KILLIAN

I hear dinosaur feces is high in ammonia.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Their bald spots were spic and span!

Laughter.

PRaptor taps a long claw on the window by his head.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

So -- numbers too high. Maybe I should come out against cheese or insult a celebrity.

DIANE KILLIAN

Don't be ridiculous. You've done that.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Oh, yeah. "You're a dick, Wheaton."

DIANE KILLIAN

Good six point boost right there, sir. You're a living argument for evolution and even the evangelicals love you.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Who knew "Jesus, you all suck" would resonate so strongly?

A knock on the outside.

STAGE HANDLER #1

Five minutes, sir.

DIANE KILLIAN

We're on it!

(to PRaptor)

Time to make the doughnuts.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I guess so. Would going into a frenzy and killing everyone there drop my ratings?

Diane peers through the window.

DIANE KILLIAN

Forget about it, Jake. It's government-and-reporter-town. You could run around naked setting the place on fire with a torch held in your teeth and you'd be up ten by the evening news.

PRaptor gestures at himself dramatically.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I'm already halfway there!

Diane slaps the large metal plate marked "egress."

DIANE KILLIAN

Then let's go all the way.

The side of the bus next to the divan begins to split in half, the top swinging out and up to make a shade, the bottom down and away as a ramp. Even as it starts, there are flashes from outside the bus.

PRaptor raises a hand to ward off a little of the light as his reptilian pupils contract to tight slits.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

(muttering)

Cloaca at ready.

Diane nudges him in the ribs.

DIANE KILLIAN

Play nice. No bleaching.

The shielding hand turns to a wave as the wall splits wider.

EXT. CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

The wall completes its slow way down and PRaptor steps out onto the stage set up underneath and do the pedestal. Diane stays behind on the bus, standing respectfully.

Most of the White House press corps scrum are there, jostling and trying to be closest to the front. Clint Etch seems to be making a statement with a trilby even bigger and bluer than Ekto's, even though his arm is still in a sling.

PRaptor raises a claw again to the sound of some cheering from the assembled audience. A few ranks of bleachers arc around in the parking lot.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

(into the mic, amplified)

I wasn't expecting such a turn-out to a review of the CBO. Hey, folks! Glad to see you could make it out today!

The audience, largely locals, hoots and cheers.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Enthusiastic! I've been on the road fourteen hours or so from DC, but it's always worth it to come out here to the heartland, the exact center of the US population, where my predecessor in the office which I'm so privileged to hold convinced Congress that the real businessof the US government should be done, next to the good people some derided as flyover country--

A chorus of boos pound out from the crowd.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I know, I know, right! Flyover country. Well, if they were as grounded as I am, and as you are, they'd realize that everything they'd flown over without a glance was where the country kept her heart! The engine that keeps it fed and working, moving forward! That's where we are, and that's where the US Operations Campus had to be.

He gestures, encompassing the city.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

But it's not enough.

The crowd, even the scrum, goes silent.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Frankly, it'll never be enough. That's why as soon as I'm done with surveying the CBO, kissing a few hands and shaking some babies, I'm headed right back to DC to run naked through the streets, torch clutched in my teeth, and I'm going to burn the whole goddamned place to the ground! White House, Capital Hill, the Mall, EVERYTHING!

And then I'm going to squat over the ashes and do American business. That's right, I'm going to give them what they've asked for!

Confused muttering. No one has a clue how to respond. A few people in the back begin applauding, cautiously.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Some men just want to watch the world burn!

He holds his claws up, head thrown back.

A few more claps ring out, but the confusion is mighty.

PRaptor drops his head and looks askance at those around.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Gotcha.

Palpable air of relief. There's definitely more enthusiastic clapping now.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

Just joshing with ya. No, just some boring meetings here for the next month, then another fourteen hour trip back to DC to water the roses on the White House lawn. You guys know what I mean, amirite?

He winks at a couple of reporters off to the side who cringe and avert their eyes with embarrassment.

PRESIDENT RAPTOR

I'll catch you hoopy froods later. Business of the State calls. Been a pleasure.

Each of the reporters hoot and leap, arms up, shouting questions.

Diane steps out of the bus as PRaptor bounds away toward the CBO building.

DIANE KILLIAN

No questions today, guys. Much to do, little time.

CLINT ETCH

But we have the right to--

A swarm of red laser dots sweep randomly across the scrum, pointedly avoiding the bleacher'd audience. A good half-dozen settle on Clint's injured shoulder.

DIANE KILLIAN

No. Questions.